truth bomb!

"It really sucks for people to be frustrated with you over the way that you exist in the world."

Wow.

I heard this the other day on Robyn Gobbel's Baffling Behaviors Podcast. The episode was only tangentially about this idea of non-acceptance (as seen through the eyes of the unaccepted one), but it really hit home for me.

My son said something the other day which alerted me to the fact that he was not feeling very accepted:
"I know you're making me take my ADHD medication because you hate the sounds that I make."
I could argue the semantics here, but let's be real - he had sensed my frustration over the way he existed in the world. And it really sucked for him. Which I hate.

I have tried to think, meditate, and shame myself out of feeling frustration towards the way my most beloved people exist in the world and - spoiler alert - it hasn't worked.

OF COURSE we will, at times, be frustrated over the way our children exist in the world. The noises they make. The stuff they want. The way their bodies move. Or don't. The tears, the yelling, the wanting, the mess, the silence, the simple mystery of another human that is so close to you and yet another universe entirely.

Sometimes this frustration arises because they exist in a way that's very different from the way that we do. Or differently than we might have been permitted to by our own parents. Sometimes the frustration arises because their way of existing butts up against one of our totally legitimate needs (quiet, space, peace).

So, what do we do with that frustration?

I don't know, exactly. I think maybe we welcome it. We say to ourselves, our frustrated selves, "whatever is here belongs." We let it be, without judgment. We share the feeling with someone who understands.

We don't try to fix or control the way the other person exists. We respect our own existence and theirs.

The frustration will eventually dissipate and transform. And then there will be moments during which we can marvel at the way they exist in the world.